funny story

The World’s Funniest Real Ads

Believe it or not, these ads actually found their way into newspapers all over the world:
Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
Help wanted, singer for rock band. Must be female or male.
For sale, Hope Chest, brand new, half off, long story.
Help wanted, adult or mature teenager to baby-sit. One dollar an hour.
Lost: small brown poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
Four-posted bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Christmas sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to- find person.
Wanted, man to take care of cows that does not smoke or drink.
Three-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 -- $9 per hour.
Our sofa seats the whole mob and it’s made of 100% Italian leather.
Full sized mattress. 20 year warranty. Like New. Slight urine smell.
Nordic Track $300 hardly used, call Chubby.
Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer and dryer $300.
Open house body shapers toning salon free coffee and donuts
Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat... been out while. Better be reward.
Exercise equipment: Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175.
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.
Free Yorkshire Terrier: 8 years old. Hateful little dog.
Free puppies: ½ cocker spaniel, ½ sneaky neighbor’s dog.
Free puppies: part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.
German Shepherd, 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.
Snow Blower for sale…only used on snowy days.
Bill’s Septic Cleaning: “We Haul American-Made Products."
Cows, calves never bred…also 1 gay bull for sale.
Nice Parachute – Never opened. Used once.
Hummels – Largest selection ever. "If it’s in stock, then we have it!"
1 man, 7 women hot tub. $850/offer.
Shakespeare’s Pizza. Free chopsticks.
Harrisburg Postal Employee Gun Club.
Tickle-Me-Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 Ford Mustang, 5L, Auto, Excellent condition $6800.

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Past Continuous

Quick example:

• What were you doing then?
• I was eating the dinner when someone knocked at the door.
• When he was sleeping, I was working hard
• I was wondering if you could help me.

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We usually use The Past Continuous (Progressive) to talk about longer actions in progress in the past. The actions can be interruped by something ("He was reading when she arrived") or can be happening at the same some ("She was learning English when he was watching TV"). There are also two other uses.

Use

1. Actions in progress (in the past)
2. Interrupted actions in progress (in the past)
3. Actions in progress at the same time (in the past).
4. Irritation over something or somebody (in the past)
5. Timid / polite question

USE 1: Actions in progress

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We use the Past Continuous to express the idea that an action was in progress in the past.

Examples:

• I was watching TV yesterday in the evening.
• She was not crying.

USE 2: Interrupted actions in progress

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The Past Continuous is often used when one actions in progress is interruped by another action in the past. We usually use "when" to link these two actions. Sentences usually have this form:

[ Sentence in Past Continuous ] + WHEN + [Sentence in Past Simple ]

WHEN + [ Sentence in Past Continuous ] + [Sentence in Past Simple ]

or:

[ Sentence in Past Simple ] + WHEN + [ Sentence in Past Continuous ]

Examples:

• I was talking with James when the telephone rang.
• The plane crashed when Angelica was playing tennis.

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To understand this use better, watch this interactive animation:

[ Peter: When I was jogging, someone stopped me and asked what time it was ]

Explanation

In this cartoon, you can see a man who says: "When I was jogging someone stopped me and asked what time it was.".

• Why is this in Past Continuous? Click on the button labled "event 1". You can see that the man is jogging. This is a continuous action. Suddenly, another man stops him and asks what time it is. This is "event 2". Notice that the action of jogging is interrupted by event 2. This is why the use of Past Continuous is correct here.

USE 3: Actions in progress at the same time

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We also use this tense to show that two actions are taking place at the same.

Examples:

• I was watching TV and Barbara was reading a book.
• The family was eating the dinner and talking.

USE 4: Timid / polite questions

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If we want to ask a polite question, we can use the Past Continuous.

Examples:

• I was wondering if you could open the window.
• I was thinking you might help me with this problem.

Even though the sentences have a Past Continuous form, they refer to the present moment. Their meaning is similar to the "could you" sentences, but they are more polite.
USE 5: Irritation

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Remember that you can also express irritation over somebody or something in the past.

Examples:

• She was always coming late for dinner!

Form

To form a sentence in the Past Continuous, what you need is:

1. The proper conjugation of the auxiliary verb "to be" in the past form
2. The Present Participle of your verb (verb + ing)

1. Auxiliary verb "to be"
The past form of the auxiliary verb "to be" is:

1. For third person singular: "was"
2. For all others: "were"

Examples:

• She was always coming late for dinner!
• You were always coming late for dinner!

2. The Present Participle
The present participle is of a verb is a verb form that appears with the present tenses. The present participle is formed by adding -ing to the verb.

• talk + ing = talking
• be + ing = being

There are exceptions.

Positive Sentences

Subject	+	Auxiliary verb	+	Verb + ing
e.g. I/a dog etc.		was / were		e.g. swimming/talking etc.

A rhinoceros was swatting flies with his tail when suddenly a fly bit him (Use 2)

Examples		Use
	Have you been running?	(Use 2)
	Has Tom been walking the dog?	(Use 2)
	How long have you been learning English?	(Use 1)
	Q: What have you been doing there? A: I've been eating	(Use 1 or Use 2)

Questions

Auxiliary verb	+	Subject	+	Verb + ing
was / were		e.g. I/a dog etc.		e.g. swimming/talking etc.

Examples		Use
	Have you ever seen this program?	(Use 1)
	Where has she lived for the past 21 years?	(Use 3)
	Have you found the telephone number?	(Use 1,2)
	Have you ever been to France?	(Use 1)
	Has anyone taken my bag?	(Use 1,2)

Negative Sentences

Subject	+	Auxiliary verb	+	Verb + ing
e.g. I/a dog etc.		was not / were not		e.g. swimming/talking etc.

Examples		Use
	He hasn't taken any drug for two years	(Use 3)
	I haven't met my perfect partner yet	(Use 3)
	They haven't contacted you, have they?	(Use 1)

Future in the Past

FORM Would

[would + VERB]

Examples:

• I knew you would help him.
• I knew you would not help him.

FORM Was/Were Going To

[was/were + going to + VERB]

Examples:

• I knew you were going to go to the party.
• I knew you were not going to go to the party.

USE 1 Future in Past

Future in the Past is used to express the idea that in the past you thought something would happen in the future. It does not matter if you are correct or not. Future in the Past follows the same basic rules as the Simple Future. "Would" is used to volunteer or promise, and "was going to" is used to plan. Moreover, both forms can be used to make predictions about the future.

Examples:

• I told you he was going to come to the party. plan
• I knew Julie would make dinner. voluntary action
• Jane said Sam was going to bring his sister with him, but he came alone. plan
• I had a feeling that the vacation was going to be a disaster. prediction
• He promised he would send a postcard from Egypt. promise

REMEMBER No Future in Time Clauses

Like all future forms, Future in the Past cannot be used in clauses beginning with time expressions such as: when, while, before, after, by the time, as soon as, if, unless, etc. Instead of using Future in the Past, you must use Simple Past.

Examples:

• I already told Mark that when he would arrive, we would go out for dinner. Not Correct
• I already told Mark that when he arrived, we would go out for dinner. Correct

ACTIVE / PASSIVE

Examples:

• I knew John would finish the work by 5:00 PM. Active
• I knew the work would be finished by 5:00 PM. Passive

• I thought Sally was going to make a beautiful dinner. Active
• I thought a beautiful dinner was going to be made by Sally. Passive

Present Perfect Tense

Present Perfect tense

bentuk Present Perfect tense dalam tenses bahasa inggris digunakan untuk suatu tindakan sederhana yang masih berlangsung atau yang baru sajar berhenti, tetapi memiliki pengaruh hingga masa kini. Menempatkan penekanan pada hasil.
Penggunaan :
1. tindakan yang terjadi pada waktu yang tidak pasti sebelum saat ini
2. tindakan di masa lalu dan memiliki pengaruh di masa sekarang
3. tindakan yang dimulai di masa lalu dan masih berlanjut di masa sekarang
Rumus :

Positif (+)
Subject + has / have + been + object
Subject + has / have + verb III + object
Negatif (-)
Subject + has / have + not + been + object
Subject +has / have + not + verb III + object
Tanya (?)
Have / has + Subject + verb III + object
Have / has + subject + been + object
Contoh :
I have been at home for a month (+)
Mr. Handoko has not eaten the sate already (-)
Has Mr. Imam been here since 06.00 ? (?)